


Pas De Deux

by DearLazerBunny



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-13 23:26:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16481753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearLazerBunny/pseuds/DearLazerBunny
Summary: Dance for Twowritten for anon, who requested an angsty, back and forth piece between Kylo and the reader about his child he gave up when joining the Order. I really took this idea and ran with it, anon, I hope you enjoy!





	Pas De Deux

**You**

The night I wake from a deep sleep in a pool of my own sweat, I know. I feel a quickening, the pull low and deep in the pit of my abdomen, and I know. I am no longer alone in this world.

A child. A baby. No bigger than a pinprick, still but the merest hint of a whisper on the wind, but I know. I reach out with the Force and feel a small light emanating from me, so similar and yet so different from my own.

A child. Our child.

At first, I’m confused. How could this have happened? We were always so careful. But as I lay in my bed, palm pressed to my stomach, now breathing for two, an excitement bubbles up in me so suddenly a laugh escapes my mouth, right there in the dark. A baby. We were going to have a baby.

Softly, I steal from my room and make my way through the dim corridors. My heart is pounding in my chest, and I know it’s simply my imagination, but I feel as though I can hear a second, fainter heartbeat singing along with mine. When I slip through his door- unlocked, just for me- the smile on my lips could rival the sun.

He wakes grumpily, as usual, but his eyes brighten when they see my face. “Y/N,” he says in the dark. “Is everything okay?”

That simple question gets me laughing again, and I fall onto his messy bed with a joy I don’t think I’ve ever felt in my life. “Oh, Ben,” I whisper to the sky. “Something wonderful has happened.”

“Luke let us off training tomorrow?”

I snort and roll to meet his gaze. “Something bigger. Something extraordinary.”

“Luke let us off training for a week?”

Smiling, I lay a palm on his cheek. “Close your eyes, love. Let me show you.”

He does so, smiling amusedly, thinking I’m going to kiss him or do some other childish thing no doubt. I can’t imagine doing something so base in a moment such as this. Slowly, I lift the hem of my shirt and place his palm with mine, finger-to-finger on my lower belly. His eyebrows crease in confusion, but he humors me, sitting there with his eyes closed in the dark. I watch his face, waiting for the moment….

His eyes open. Wide, wondrous. He spreads his fingers, and I can feel him reach out with all his senses. I know he can feel the light, because all at once it shines just a little brighter, like it’s saying hello. Like it recognizes him. His father.

We speak without saying a word.

_Is it…?_

_It is._

_Ours?_

_Ours._

We collapse together like we’re falling through space, landing perfectly intertwined like our bodies were made to go together. At this point, I’m convinced they were.

“A baby,” he whispers, like a prayer or a hymn, reverent words falling from his lips. Our hands haven’t moved, and together in the dark we breathe and listen to our third heartbeat flutter beneath our fingers.

**Kylo**

Her world is burning around her, and yet she sleeps so peacefully.

I’m in her room, where the smoke hasn’t yet reached, watching the rise and fall of her breathing. She has a habit now of putting a hand on her stomach, like she’s protecting it. Them. I try not to get too attached, but that will ultimately be my downfall. I can feel it.

Putting her into a deeper sleep, I cradle her and begin walking. Through the hallways, past the rooms where her friends now lay dead instead of sleeping. She will never forgive me. Maybe that’s what I want. To drive her away, so she won’t see the monster I will become.

The darkness has taken its fingers of blood and bone and embedded them in my brain, pricked them into my soul. I can no longer cast it aside as though they are nothing but voices in my head. But I also… can’t hurt her. She was my everything. Is my everything? I don’t know anymore.

Carrying her is like carrying a daydream in my arms. Curled up to my chest, a smile on her lips. She senses me. She trusts me. So does the life inside her. She’s barely beginning to show, but it flutters in my fingers, begging to be acknowledged.

I wonder how much it will hurt when that trust is broken. When she wakes and sees that I’ve lost my battle. I think I have an idea, because the thought of leaving her is slowly wrenching a knife into my heart, tearing its way into me deeper and deeper with every step I take.

I could take her with me. But she would never forgive me.

So I lay her in the grass, in the field where we so often trained and sparred, then snuck out to at night to kiss each other’s wounds away. I hope, in some small part of me, that she will remember me as I was. Not what I know I will become.   
I turn and stand and watch the flames lick the compound. Soon it will be nothing but ash. She will wake in the morning with her whole world gone, reduced to nothing but dust.

And me. I’ll be gone too.

I can’t wake her to say goodbye.

**You**

The pain is so intense I wake with a start and cry out for someone who isn’t there. Instantly, a nurse is at my side. Gently raising the blankets, she inspects me from below, then quietly announces “It’s time.”

I nod, sweat already beading my forehead. It has been two long weeks of agonizing waiting and false starts. I’m not surprised, however. Ben was always very stubborn, and I expect his child to be no different.

“Get Leia, please,” I whisper, and the nurse nods and retreats, leaving me with my thoughts. If I can’t have him here, I can at least have a piece of him.

It’s been almost a year since Ben left, destroying the world around him and falling to the dark side. I woke in a field dotted with flowers, the ruins of the school still smoldering behind me, and I knew. I could feel his spirit in a dark place, even millions of miles away.

I cried for him. For me. For this unborn child, who would never know his father- I would make sure of that. I had nowhere to go, nothing but the clothes on my back and a new life trusting me to take care of it as best I could. So I went to the first place I could think of. A place I knew I would be safe.

Poe Dameron picked me up on a small planet as far away as I could get from the academy. His curly hair reminded me of Ben, and it made me long for him. That he would be the one to save me, take me away and promise me he would keep the two of us safe. But as it was, we flew to the Resistance base of D’Qar, and upon arrival, Leia was there to meet us.

The message I had sent her was simple. Her response was even shorter. But then, as I stood before her, there were so many thoughts bubbling up in my mind I could hardly keep them straight. She felt so much like Ben, in spirit. So much so that not one foot on the ground I rushed to embrace her, and her me. We held each other for a long time, crying silent tears for what we had both lost.

But today there is joy on her face, and hope, along with a touch of melancholy that permeates her being. She will be the best grandmother. I tell her so as the first contraction hits, and she smiles.

“You will be an even better mother.”

A sentiment I can’t think about now, as pain is ripping through my body so fast and hard I can hardly breathe.

It takes thirteen hours, a fateful number, for my boy to be born into the world. As I hold him on my chest, this tiny, squabbling thing, red faced and already with whisper of dark black hair, I am faced with a sense of peace I have not felt since Ben last held me in his arms.

**Kylo**

I can feel her agony as if it was my own.

For two weeks I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot breathe. All I can think of is that I should be at her side. I should be the one to hold her hand, reassure her that she will be alright. I imagine what he must look like- a tiny squabbling thing, with little hands and toes, crying out for his mother and someone who isn’t there. It strikes me that I am condemning this child to the same fate I was subjected to. I try not to think about that too hard.

When he is born, I feel as though a piece of my soul has been ripped out of my chest and laid bare on the floor. I stalk from the meeting where Hux is blustering about some nonsense- ignoring his protests on the way out- and make for the nearest viewport, looking out over the stars. I know where she is- I can feel my mother’s presence with her, lending her quiet support and calming her with the Force. For that, I am at least glad. That some part of me can be with her today.

I send my thoughts lightyears away, to a little room on the Resistance base. So she knows that I know. That I am thinking of her. That I am thinking of him.

**You**

Sitting in a little room on the Resistance base, lightyears away from wherever he may be, I am struck with his presence. He knows. I can feel that he knows, and that he is trying to comfort me in what little way he can. For him, I kiss the top of our baby’s forehead, hoping he can feel the touch on his own lips.

**Kylo**

I raise my hand to my lips, and for the first time in a year, I smile.

**You**

“Poe wants to see you.” Leia says from the doorway. “Shall I let him in?”

I nod, and a few seconds later my third favorite person in the universe is by my side. “He’s beautiful,” he says, his eyes full of wonder at this miracle in my arms, and I cannot help but smile.

“Would you like to hold him?”

Poe exhales softly, but nods, taking my son carefully in his arms until he is cradled against Poe’s infamous leather jacket, being rocked softly.

I cannot deny the budding feelings I have for Poe Dameron. He has been kind to me, one of the only people on base to be so, and made me laugh when I thought nothing but tears could work their way down my face. Seeing him hold the baby in his arms, I feel a shoot of happiness, mixed with longing. Poe seems to sense this, and looks up.

“I know you wish it was him,” he whispers, and that is enough to make water well in my eyes. “But I’m here. And I always will be.” He leans down to press a gentle kiss to my lips, baby between us. My eyes flutter close. Yes, I wish it was him. But in this moment, I am more glad than anything it is Poe.

**5 Years Later**

**Kylo**

Every year that passes I am more and more in agony. I want to see her. To see him. I have missed his first smile, his first laugh, his first everything- though I can occasionally feel shoots of her happiness, a love so strong I know only he could bring it.

I wonder at his name.

I wonder at his face.

I wonder at how motherhood has changed her, and what the light looks like in her eyes. The light I extinguished.

My thoughts are consumed by them, constantly, unendingly. I can hardly focus on the task at hand, instead getting lost in my head. A dangerous place to be. But these thoughts are filled with the sun on my face as he runs towards me, arms outstretched, Y/N looking on in the distance-

“Kylo!” Hux barks, and I startle back into my reality, all grey and steel and cold. I much prefer my daydreams, which is never something I thought I’d say. “Are you listening or not?”

“No,” I answer simply. Does he have my hair? Does he have her eyes?

He sighs and drops his digipad on the table in front of him, clearly exasperated with me. I could care less.

“What are you thinking about?” I focus on him, and his mystified expression.

“What?”

“There’s a smile on your face. It’s… unnerving.”

“None of your concern,” I say shortly, as I feel my heart shrivel back into its role of the Jedi Killer. “Continue.”

For some reason, he doesn’t. He simply studies my face, which I have steeled, for a moment. Then two.

“There was a girl. Wasn’t there.”

It is my turn to be dumbfounded. “I-”

“I can see it on your face. There’s one thing in the world that can cause that’s much heartache. You’re mad at your father, you dismiss your mother- so it must be someone else.” He steeples his fingers in front of his face, thinking. Then he turns to me. “Where is she?”

I lie. “I don’t know.”

“Bantha shit. If we collect her, will it get her off your mind?”

She is a million miles away and she already dominates my thoughts. Putting her closer to me would just consume me even more. But he doesn’t need to know that, because for the first time the taste of hope is on my tongue. I could bring her to me. I could bring him to me. I could-

“The Resistance base,” I hear myself saying, as though it is an echo of my own voice. “They’re on D’Qar.”

“They?”

I look up at him, trusting him more implicitly than I ever have. “There will be two. A boy, as well.”

He stares at me, eyes wide, before regaining his composure. Nodding, he walks out of the room, shaking his head slightly.

I look out over the stars. _I’m coming, Y/N._

**You**

Poe bursts into the room, flight suit half on, hair wild. The look in his eyes scares me, and I immediately stand and collect the young boy playing happily on the floor beneath me as I sit on the bed.

“We’ve got incoming. Need to get you to the safe house.”

I nod. No time for questions. We have a bag packed full of our things, for emergencies like this, and I grab it and my son and pull him onto my hip. “We’ve got to go now, love,” I say to him, making sure he understands. His brown eyes grow wide, and he nods, clinging to my neck. I put an arm around him. We will be safe. Poe will keep us safe. I try to remember to breathe as we run down the hallways, people rushing past, getting to their stations.

“Y/N!” Over the din, Leia shouts across the room, and my head whips around to face her. “Poe, get her off planet! Now!”

His eyebrows crease in confusion. “Off planet? But-”

“You don’t understand! They’re here for her! Get-”

An explosion outside, so loud the boy in my arms releases my neck and claps his hands to his ears, whimpering softly. I press a hasty kiss to his black curls and follow Poe to the airfield, where he will fly us to safety.

But we are too late. Enemy ships surround us, hovering menacingly in the air, and I can already see white boots on the ground. A red haired man turns in his black coat, surveying the crowd, and I can feel his eyes land on me. More specifically, I can feel his eyes land on him. I curl inwards protectively, shifting him so he’s out of the man’s sight. But once again, it is too late.

Everyone is ready, defensive positions and blasters abound, and our trio is frozen in the middle of a battlefield. Do we make a break for the ships? Retreat inside the compound? I feel him bury his head into my neck, away from all the scary men, and I put a comforting hand around it. I wait, breath bated, for Poe to make a move. And then, the red haired man- Hux, I’ve heard his name thrown around in the mess hall like a curse- points to me. To us.

No.

Everything explodes around me, and I sink to the ground, protecting the child at all costs. Poe is dragging me towards the ships and I follow, low and swift, but we are intercepted by men in white armor, their faces blank and expressionless. One grabs my arm, the other, the boy’s and yanks him out of my arms. He screams, scratching the metal man for all he’s worth.

“No!” I scream, guttural and primal, and a shockwave hits the men circling us in the chest, knocking them away from us. I scoop the boy up and run for Poe’s rig. But where is he? “Poe? Poe!”

All at once, there is a stillness, and the crowds seem to part like the sea to a picture straight out of my nightmares. Hux, with a blaster to Poe’s temple, and a trickle of blood running down Poe’s cheek. Checkmate. I try not to tremble for his sake, try not to show how terrified I am. I call out across the bloody scene. “What do you want?”

His smile is unnatural. “To talk, simply put. There is someone who wishes to see you.”

I don’t understand. Neither does anyone else, by the looks on their faces. But I know what I have to do. “Let him go. I’ll go with you.”

Hux shoves Poe to the ground, blaster still trained on his head. He gets up and runs towards us, wrapping a comforting arm around the two of us. “You don’t have to do this,” he whispers, but we both know if any of us want to make it out alive, I must. Carefully, I hand him the boy, and he slings him onto his hip with practiced ease.

“Momma is going to go now,” I whisper to him. “I’ll be back soon, okay?” His eyes are wide and fearful, and it tears my heart in two to pull his little hand away from my fingers.

“Ah ah ah.” Hux tuts at the apparently touching scene. “The both of you, if you please.”

What?

There is an immediate uproar. “That wasn’t part of the deal.”

“On the contrary, it is exactly what I came for. Now hand the child back to his mother and the both of you will come with me.” He grins, a lopsided thing. “You will both be returned safely, I am sure.”

He says it like he has announced our death sentence.

“Give him to me,” I say under my breath, and Poe recoils.

“Y/N. You can’t. I can take care of myself-”

But I have been thinking, in these last few moments, my mind racing faster than light. What would the First Order want with us? We are nobodies in the war, to the Resistance or the Order. We know no intel, have no special skills. They can’t possibly know that we are Fore sensitive. But there is one rumor I have heard, long ago late at night. Of a certain someone, who joined the Order. The Jedi Killer. Kylo Ren.

And I know now why they have come for us. Why they have finally come for us.

I look into his eyes and put all my faith behind my words. “It will be okay. I promise. Please, trust me.”

He looks at me for a long time. Then he nods, slowly, and gives me the child, his cheek resting on my shoulder as he clutches my shirt. With him in my arms, I turn to face Hux. “We are not to be separated. Ever.”

“Fine, fine, no objections.” He waves his blaster carelessly, like he’s conducting a train wreck. “This way, please.”

And so we board the ship, the Resistance watching us go. I can feel Leia’s eyes on me. She knows what I am doing, and though I sense hesitation in her, I also can feel understanding. She knows I must go. That I must see him.

The doors close. The ship takes off. Sitting on the floor in the corner, tucked between two sheets of metal, I gently rock the child in my lap back and forth, trying to calm the both of us.

**Kylo**

I can feel them land. They are so close. Close enough to touch, close enough to feel.

I hurry down the corridor. _I’m coming, Y/N._

**You**

I can feel his presence. He is so close. Close enough to feel, close enough to fear.

I sit in a bright room, my boy curled up sleeping in my lap, and wait.

**Kylo**

When I see the child in her lap, I can do nothing but stare.

**You**

At first, he does nothing but stare.

He’s dressed imposingly, in black robes and capes, his hair long and wild. I have the urge to run my fingers through it and tame it as I’ve done so many times, so many years before. But for now, I stare back, soaking him in. It has been so long.

But his eyes are not on me. They are on the sleeping child in my lap. My arms cover him like a shield, and I shift him more firmly against me.

“Y/N.” He finally looks at me.

“Kylo Ren.”

He flinches a little at that. “I’ve always been Ben to you.”

“You lost that privilege a long time ago.” My voice is gritty and harsh, but the tears won’t come.

His eyes flick back downwards. I can sense him reaching out, feeling for him in any way he can. “His name?”

“Ben,” I whisper.

He looks up. “What?”

I shake my head. “His name is-”

“Mama?” Ben looks up at me sleepily, and I brush a curl from his forehead, pressing a kiss there.

“It’s okay love. We’re safe.” I do not think he would hurt us. Not after all this time.

“Ben.” The look on his face turns him from a monster to a man, scared and wanting. The want in his eyes overpowers me. “You named him Ben.”

I nod.

“Can I…?” He reaches out, and I slap his hand away with the Force, so hard I feel his shoulder crack.

“Why in god’s name would I let you hold him? What have you ever done to give you the right?”

Kylo’s head bows, and I see a tear drift from his cheek onto the floor. “I know, but-”

“Who are you?” Ben is ever curious, and he crawls from my grasp and towards Kylo. I try to pull him back but he resists me. He can sense something in this stranger. Something familiar. Something that’s a part of him.

Kylo falls to his knees in front of him. “I’m- my name is- Kylo.” I see him struggle over the words, and I see Ben recoil.

“You’re the bad guy!” He gasps, and Kylo’s head whips over to me.

“You-”

I shake my head. “People talk. Little ears listen.”

I can feel the anger boiling up inside him as if it was my own, and I brace for impact, ready to grab Ben and run. But to my surprise, he directs it outward in a single breath, not directed towards either of us. He controls it. I have never seen him do that before.

“I am a bad guy,” he says carefully. “Those people were right.”

But Ben, a mirror image of the man before him, steps forward and puts a hand over Kylo’s chest, right where his heart is. “It’s okay daddy,” he says in that innocent voice. And then, he hugs him, like he’s been waiting to do so his whole life.

And we both cry.

**1 year later**

**You**

I knock on the door, in this hotel in the middle of nowhere. Kylo answers quietly, ushering us in and quickly shutting the door behind us. Neither of us know what to say, but Ben breaks the silence. “Daddy!” He runs to Kylo and wraps himself around his legs, pure joy on his little face. Kylo bends down and picks him up, and I can see the same joy radiating from his heart.

“Ben,” he smiles. Oh, how I’ve missed that smile.

As if he’s read my mind- maybe he has- he comes over to me and presses a light kiss to my lips, stirring something deep within me. When I don’t back away, he kisses back. I’ve missed you,  I think to him, and I can feel him smile against my lips.

This is what we have arranged. Once a year, in the farthest corners of the galaxy, Ben gets to see his father, Kylo gets to see his son, and I get to see what I never thought possible- the utmost of light and the darkest of dark, clashing in beautiful harmony until I am awash in sheets of grey. At night, while Ben sleeps, we hold each other and whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears, like we used to. But they mean so much more now, with all that has happened.

I do not know if I forgive him. I do not know if I ever truly will. But I do know that I love him, and Ben loves him. And he loves us, despite the darkness creeping in his heart. But what he doesn’t know, is day by day, I can feel the darkness lessening, the blackness being bashed away. I wonder if he feels it too, in his heart of hearts. And I wonder if he thinks as I do.

That one day, he can come home to me. To us.

**Author's Note:**

> Of all I’ve written, this is probably my favorite so far :)


End file.
